Momma

I often refer to myself in the privacy of my thoughts as a prodigal daughter...simply because I fight whats best for me for the sake of battle and even maybe a challenge. Recently I watched my mother pray without ceasing (probably for me) and I saw her war-torn battle tested bible and prayer books. The tape and rubber bands barely held the paper together, the edges pig eared to tearing, and few bare spaces were scribbled in with deep passionate cries for change, help, blessings...something.
This made me cry. I felt so helpless for my mother, someone I fight with constantly... For what? The day she leaves me will be a horrible awakening of wasted pride. I should be proud of her and vice versa. I felt horrible that she was hurting so deep that even holy text left her empty. That even reading the same Jeremiah 29:11 "for these plans I have for you.." didn't appeal to her cries that I probably caused her to scream. Whatever prayer she was decreeing over me went unheard. I cried for mom then, and saw her as human as myself; but somehow better. She is my mother.

Come.

I just want you to come.
Come to me with everything you own, all your baggage, your indecisions and shames.
I want to unpack it all.
Place them neatly on the mantle to remind me of how far you've come. Also to remind me of the lenghts I have to go in order to reach you.
The lengths I'd gladly go if you were my last gasp of air.
Come to me.
Bring your renewed hopes in us and let's unpack them together. The mistakes we made let's not harbor on those packages, and treat them like last season gifts.
Whether we enjoy the process of unpacking or not is irrelevant; I want us to share the everything that encompass the beautiful being that is you.
Come and unpack.
I won't judge your filth, I won't question it. With compassionate words I help you amass what's unpleasant. With that I would only dare to remind of how I adore you for those same reasons.
I adore your filth because it is a part of you. For that reason it's unfortunately named by you which I chose to change to mere skips in your perfect beat.
The beat I dance too in hopes that you will come.
Come and unpack with me.

I'm a confessed Bottler

Rarely a late night passes me by without a motley movie of thoughts.

Well, I'm a bottler.
No. I don't work at a brewer (if heaven were to only bless me!) But when I say bottler, I mean when undesirable happens, undesirable gets packaged, wrapped tight, and stored in a closet to be opened never. There's comfort in a dissmisive attitude; no matter what anyone does or says, if its not what I want to hear? *Boxed* Unpleasant? *Boxed * Annoying? *Boxed * Boxed, swallowed and stored in sacrifice to neutrality. Neutrality is a comfortable place where nothing happens, quite unhealthy. So...in essence...
Whatever makes me uneasy gets thrown away projectively in a place I chose to not occupy; my soul. I know the power of my soul well! Its large, powerful and gets me into trouble. Here lies my unpleasantness, my poorness, my cries, and perhaps s joys too. Every compliment I didn't believe placed neatly next to every diss I secretly believed...not from strangers. From those whose lies I bought when the price was too high but the product was shiny, new and smelled tempting..  So like someone who likes shiny new and fragrant things, I paid. Paid with love, with attention, with secrets I regret and especially with my laughs. I love to laughs. And I love my laughs. I love laughs and TO laughs. My laughs mean what you said made me smile and to think my laughs were the result of a charade? It hurts. So to move on forward the best way I know how, I take those hurts and toss them where I can't see them. Although they didn't mean to bring such awesome joy I still genuinely enjoyed it. In all, it is their loss to lose someone who chooses to laugh with you. That's what that soul is about. Memories of good juxtaposed to what was great. Aligned to what scarred and memories of less. What's in your soul?

Namaste

When this happens

Its so subtle, the thought of you.

The thought of infatuation of you and maybe the retune of such manic expression towards me..

one lonely dreamer can only wish upon a star that doesn't care for my presumed inconsequential existence. Until those waves of surprise...that wait for an opportunity to rock my center of balance to a new or old alignment that I've forgotten.
I desire a "rocker," amongst me. A no holds bar, shakes me to extrasensory over load of emotions that are undecipherable. To the point of "whoa" And sadly my mind wonders of your purulent clauses of beauty.

My unknown and volatile beauty, can I know you?

No name.

I don't have a name for this, just an emotion or two. Traversing this journey called life with my two cents and change. For lack of a better term..its uncommon. Not by my own definition but by those so willing to marginalise the others. Funny how I never saw myself as an "other" until the other told me just how much of an " other" I was. My tone was other, my speech was other, my interest were other, my cuisine was other, and my hair was certainly other. Not pretty, not decent just other. What does that even mean? For some time I was assumed to be ashamed of my other-ness despite my ignorance to my position in the realm of normal? I would judge my reflection on how I looked but the term "other" never hit me.  Maybe my hips too wide, nose too wide, too soft spoken, tom boy extraordinare. But who cares. I'm too into myself to take any "other" opinion seriously.

Its s big step, to be confident in yourself. To disregard the ugly of human race and see yourself as beautiful and flawed, what a life! It's blindfully telling.
This write up has no name.

Namaste.

After Midnight

Late nights up till sunrise, so much to wonder. You know whats perplexing? The nature of people; the bad and good. And its affect on others. I can only pray my ripples of influence create balance and peace but I am a mere sinner of epic proportions. Hm.. A sinner. In the christian faith, what's written and whats perceived seem to differ wholly based on interpretation. The major argument now is "gay" vs "hetero". Do we still believe that one holds higher moral ground over another based on whom they sleep with? Goodness I would hope not; there are a lot of immoral sexing in Christian churches that eventually bring hierarchical pastors to their own humble knees. Thank God for scandals. But hey, not judging! To each sin their own. If we can be so rediculous with a God we can't see, why can't we accept sins that are visible? Perhaps understanding the fatalities of spiritual effectiveness would therefore entice our humility, our understanding, our fraternity of love for all. "Paging Jesus of Nazareth... Your message has been diluted. Please clarify and reiterate". Ameen.
Besides faith, Love is a stupid emotion. We dream it, fear it, expect it, and judge it. All in the while chasing that very same Love. So where is it? Is it home among family? Out with our vices? Somewhere among conversations? Speaking for myself, Love is where I am comfortable. I can therefore make myself very comfy among those honest enough to accept my minimal comfort. Is that Love? No its comfort, love needs to involve commitment, passion and promise.

Friendship encompasses all of those in a non romantic way. I have this best friend that polishes my brokenness into such pretty a shell that I sometimes fool myself. Ha! She's that great an individual....and I swear that I do not deserve her. Why I feel I don't deserve her is probably due to my awe of her unselfish attitude. She told me before she left that "If I have extra, you have extra" *cries*. I pulled away a little too fast mainly because I didn't want her to see the tears. I cried because she saw my dire needs through my vague words, I was mad. Mad that my facade was see-though. Mad that I couldn't hide it, and mad that I didn't give her back her money by reflex. I knew my needs but my pride did its best to hammer out the bumps of dependence.  However through it all, she remains! Glory! I haven't messed that up. Lawd be an electric fence of smartitude (I made that up) and responsibility. If there is at least one person who makes sense of the chaos, and straps into the ride with you?  Well, goes without saying that individual is more than special.

This blog has no directing

This write up had no direction, hope you enjoyed it.

namaste

Prose 2013

I see you and you talk to me, wondering what you see in me. Thinking do you known what has been said and done to conquer me? Wondering if my pain is seen or do smell vulnerability? But oh, all you asked me was " Do you know where so and so-- on so and so-- in so and so?" At this point my lip curls in "No", I hate how I'm supposed to know just where and when all the shows a-go. No.
My life, too busy with distractions, so clouded I need a mind extraction by someone or something who won't pass me while in traction.. Broken up, but woken up. How did I get so taken up? So many dreams of what to be but all I see is "given up". So I ask you what keeps you up? Undepraved of what is seen but Lord your grandma prayed you up!
So what is now? Do I begin? What other options do present? To lay in death of dreams benign or grow some wings so I can fly? Feel those aches of what becomes, my hopes, my dreams, my heart and lungs. If I have air to breath my breaths, then I'm stupid to think my best has left.

Namaste 

Wish

"If your story doesn't destroy me, I'm not interested." Patia Braithwaite
Powerful high school classmate of mine

I remember believing in miracles. Beliefs so strong that if I sat and wished for consecutive weekends, 80 degree weather, and a flatter stomach that it would happen overnight. Yes, yes, yes. Judge me not, because a part of me still has that childish enthusiasm of hoping for better things and fully expecting them to appear. I would wish for boyfriends, friends, money, cars, my dad, changed situations... But I think money was always #1. It sucks to know how dire a money situation is at a young age and seeing no way out of it except to wish upon a star. I would wish that my boiler wasn't broken, of that my mothers cars was dependable, that I had better cloths, better food, money to go on field trips with the rest of my friends, money for grade school (yes, I was well aware that my education was always in default, administration made it very clear to me in the hallways) and many other things that concern a child at that age. In short, I was left out. And what adolescent doesn't want to "fit in"? Well I was the one who didn't, and complaining to my parents about the strain of being so different while yearning for friendships was met with a stern statement "You don't need friends, you have me and your father".
*gives you time to reread that heap of nonesese *
My parents barely like each other but they supposed to my bffs? #GirlBye
So I guess dealing with them and their issues created more than a few within myself. When you grow up fearing and having no confidence in whom you depend on to provide your basic needs, wishes sound a lot easier than wondering "why are things in such disorder?".  At 8, 9, 10. I'd be lying if I felt as if I didn't deserve it; while everyone was giving their parents hell, I was home. All the time. I didn't know anything else because well...mom and dad where all I needed, right?! That sentence makes me nauseous. 
So there I was stoic and confused with very little of a support system, I'm not too good to say I absolutely needed that. I need support, I need reassuring, and I need comfort. And for those that may feel I'm weak, that's great. If men and women didn't need a social circle then the words "social circle" wouldn't exist. Dogs roll in packs and ain't nobody messing with them, but I digress.  I'm not sure if I can say I mastered the art of socialization but I still wish upon my little star that one day, I'll "get me". And maybe someone else will "get me" too.
I feel what has made my experience matter (to me) is my strong propensity to the idea of Karma. Do right and right will find you. When you need it the most, it'll be so subtle but the impact will knock you off your feet.  So when I am confessing my wishes to God essentially I'm expecting an answer while paying my dues where possible. How do I know someone else isn't wishing for me and what I offer?

Namaste

Desire

There's is just one way to describe you and that way is "desired" The distraction of you keeps me awake and puts me to sleep all within the same 24 hours..falling asleep like that makes me wish the night were longer. I remember you so vividly. I was there alone in my own world seeking you without ever looking. I didn't know what "you" looked like, not even in my dreams but when Eye saw you it was as if I already knew your position in my life. When dreamers speak of desire it's a dance of the 5 senses. We can taste desire, we can touch desire, we can see desire, we can feel desire (like a bee sting) and when the voice of the desired is heard nothing can stop us from listening. In this romantic dance of you and I, we create a beautiful us; "The Dreamer and her Desired".

Just a taste...

Oh the aches and pains...

Beautiful day marred by quite an annoying evening.  There is nothing more painful than being reminded every chance given that "You have made mistakes and will continue to make them". With that said I'm gonna cock my head to the side and give a "Really Bro?". Yes this exactly was my night.  Plenty arguments and me having to defend myself against someone who has shown how much they aren't in my corner over and over again.  The toll this took on me was ( ..read is) this mega frown that has now created a headache in all its frowningness.
The arrogance of anyone trying to limit you due to your past is sickening, however I feel like a fool for not reciprocating such malice. Am I fool? Am I THE fool? I sure feel like one today although I know the power and benefit of forgiveness.  Today however,  it ain't about that. I am just human, I hurt and feel hopelessness like any other man or woman. Man I dunno, I just need to make it through these classes. 

Namaste or whatever.

4am is a funny time.

No particular person on my mind but as always, the idea of one. One single, entity perfect for me, in mind spirit and body. As a fool in her foolish ways, I always "feel" before I think. This propensity led me to some duds but I can't help being a chemical person.

A "chemical person" to me (and according to me) is someone who bases all attractions on that inert feeling of lust and love. If the chemicals within me aren't reacting then -we- won't react...chemically or otherwise.

That chemical attraction is like the whistful pause of satisfaction after a painfully fatty meal; the gratification of getting exactly what you want; the sence of carnal gravitation without trying to create it. It makes you happy, joyful, sad, angry, and crazy....not all in that order or magnitude but after that roller coaster you know you want more.

So as I sit here in my lucid imagination I deeply imagine how much fun my chemical roller coaster would be and bravely take a front seat to the thrill.

Namaste.

How many times will we ask this question about life?

One sentence out my mouth more often than others is "Life is something else". Why? Because it freakin is! Currently having wine and jokes with my awesome best friend, a woman I swear I don't deserve to have. And she gets on the subject of "what is life, and what the hell do we do with it?" In our late 20s at varying stages of establishment...that question can be tough to answer if you haven't mulled it over already. She says its about either avoiding life's bumps or getting back up from them. Preparing yourself to absorb or reflect the offenses just waiting for you every moment. But I disagree. Unless what you're doing makes you happy, you aren't living.
One thing that makes you appreciate life are those that loose theirs...the multiple RIPs in my life and yours were enough to look back on the bs mistakes and LAUGH. Like.."Wait, hold up...Homie you were trippin over that?! Bwaaahahahaaaaaa!! Man shut up!" Yes just like that. Do what makes you insanely, incoherently, ineligibly, and undoubtedly happy.....and lucky for us happiness is relative. The folks who pissed you off? OH WELL move on. Didn't get your way? OH WELL move on. Not a perfect childhood? OH WELL move on. Couple of bad break ups? OH WELL move on. Key words MOVE ON. Because I'll be damned if any of my last few moments consisted of me wrapped up in shoulda, coulda, woulda, why nots, and tears. I have today.. *correction* ...WE have today. And Damnit, Today is great! Here's to tomorrow being equally great. And if it isn't? Well, you know what to do.

*hint* move on

Namaste

Quick and Painless

How lucky am I to have what I do.
How lucky am I to have what I do?
It's neither a question or statement, just a mere observation. Staying up on what's playing within our media assures me of one thing and one thing only. "That could've been anyone.."

Life has a way of smacking the selfish out of you and making it sting.
Just a thought, what are yours?

Your Facade ls breaking..

I've had a lot of time on my hands lately (if you don't know why, check the latest post) and the saying of knowing whom your true friends are is so true. This particular situation has me too aware of who answers my phone calls now.
My immediate response to any form of anger or disagreement among my loved ones is an apology.
"I'm sorry I called you so much, I wanted to talk/needed you"
"I'm sorry I was so angry, I needed to vent"
"I'm sorry what I said hurt you, I didn't mean too"
"I'm sorry I hassled you. I thought we could bond"
"I'm sorry I inadequately offended you in some way for you to think less of me for whatever time and context."
"For Gods sake. I'm sorry. Don't ignore me"
"I'm sorry" is my buffer of choice. And it usually works. I'm a humble person, sometimes I screw up royally, but I'm ok with that. We should all check ourselves with a little bit of "YOU ARE NOT PERFECT" with some  "CALM YOUR TITS" finished off with "do better."

However I'm a sensual individual as well as sometimes prideful on my level of care and compassion. I care big. It is at times misunderstood, but still rare therefore I won't change. What has me most upset is when I am taken for granted. I don't care "big" for everyone but I do care for everyone. We all have those in our lives whom we know we need! Those honest, reciprocal, caring friends and family who know your demons and love you harder because of them. Those are the ones to care BIG for.

Or so I'd like too.

When you chose to see the best in everyone its easy to over look detrimental faults over and over. You ignore the backtalk bec "She/He is my homie though!" Or just toss it as misconstrued gossip which we know is as common as church shoes on Sunday (ladies and gentleman) *sips tea*. While we are thinking we are above the grain, what that points us out to be is foolish. Men, and especially women, are not easy to forget the wrongs. Why don't we listen? Why don't we chose to see the facade of a wonderful individual fall to pieces right before us? Is it because our own facade has been shattered on accident and we continue to try to rebuild the look of a great friend? Someone trust worthy, honest, courageous, and accountable?

By the time we discover who was the wolf among our herd, it is often too late. We become that much more damaged, distrusting, and angry. But like I said I won't change. It's a cruel world and at my young age my compassion has left marks as told to me in gratitude. It's a humbling experience and I live for such.

Quality over quantity, I never turn anyone away (unless your presence is so disturbing I can't even be near you..you know who you are *side eye*) so I have no one to blame but myself. Again, that's ok with me. I like to care and care big. But like any read blooded individual I have a limit. You facade of pity will tire me, your assumptions will bother me, your selfish lies will anger me, and your ignoring lies will end our journey.

Don't fake it. Communication is so easy if you just trust the words of your discontent or affection, your choice.

Namaste

And then I got fired

Well, its finally happened. 4 weeks ago I was let go from a job I hated for indiscernable reasons other than I hated to work for them. Even when I filled out my unemployment and was asked why I was let go, all I could come up with was "I don't know, work deterioration I believe." How pathetic does that sound. But I actually feel so so so free. Like a burden lifted off my shoulders; I have no more misery to punch into. No more low pay to struggle with, unemployment checks that are just $100 shy of my weekly pay, a fat 401k to roll over, and beautiful spring weather to wake up to everyday. Plus a steady 2 years of nursing school to commence in August. Life is really good. And I don't miss that satanic 9-whenever laboratory. They pushed and pushed. Took my 6 years with very few raises, increased the workload and made no attempt to shy away from the writing on the wall "You don't matter to management". I checked out of there a year ago mentally and emotionally. So was I surprised? Nope, I'm relieved, and full of hope for what lies ahead. Never thought gainful employment would anchor me to stagnation instead of anchoring me to prosperity. They can have their rotting anchor!

I want everyone to know that I appreciate the well wishes and support throughout this not so difficult time and just be rest assured that I will bounce back as I always do! I serve a mighty God therefore I shall not worry baby! I'm doing what I have to do to get where I need to be. I'll need your help to get there though so don't stop with the encouragement! I love you all.

Namaste

**Expect a follow up to this quick post as details and motives emerge behind my dismissal.

Dear Self.

Dear Self,
Another morning, hazy and full of regrets. Regretting what you shoulda, coulda, woulda but didn't. So now now you relentlessly beat yourself without mercy for what you cannot change. So typical. Tired from imagining a redo that will never come, and planning for ways to forget that very fact; you trudge to a job. A J-O-B and nothing more, but so much less. 1:00pm; a few smart comments exchanged between you and the manager, maybe some tasks completed IF you can get over how heavy this burden of misery is; 50% of the day is over. A nap, some food, and 3hrs later you drive home carrying a few extra gray hairs.
Self, I don't know about you but I'm sure tired of this routine. For what it is worth you aren't as hapless nor hopeless as you perceive. People of all ages die everyday and yet here you are available to muck up another opportunity to live. Self be forgiving, be patient, be brave, and be deserving. To yourself. To others. Many don't understand the steps you take to be who you are, nor the stumbles encountered that lead to incredible victories that no one knows about. So humble Self, or is that shame that blinds and muffles you?

Self, you're so beautiful. You hear it all day long. Why don't you believe it? Why do you get into your own way and sink into the bs of negativity? Stop denying yourself the happiness waiting for you just beyond your silly self loathing. Yea Self, its silly. Silly to slap yourself for what's not important while laying low to greatness. Enough! Open your eyes Self: Life has just begun. Love you.

Namaste

Loneliness in a lonely world.

<p>Hey All.<br>
I've had a few difficult weekends. One guy-related, one family related blowout after another. So&nbsp; my emotions are on a literal crash course rollercoaster. Yes, please feel bad for me. No, don't attempt to "psychologize" me, just aide me in discovering ways to pull away my dark clouds. <br>
Do you have dark clouds? I'll tell you my own dark clouds. Self loathing, insecurity, paranoia...cray cray! Took me my entire 20's to realize that these feelings happen but they don't have to. How to prevent them is another story, but I do have a theory.
I am blessed with wonderful friends who I never doubted to always have my best interest and mine theirs. They are my antidote to my poisonous thoughts so when I'm drowning in them I know exactly who to call. So I call. And call. And call. And call some mo'. Never an attitude, always gracious and kind words to set my scales right. I'm now at a point where just the thought of my homegirls sets me straight because I KNOW they love me inside and out.
Now that's the easy part... the hard part are the people in your life that you aren't so sure about. How do you handle them? Some may be cool, enjoyable, and perhaps carry similar interest and attributes. And I swear this happens all the time- the second you've let your guard down they show their true ugly colors. My immediate response is always "why me?". But in all honesty, why not me? Whom am I to anyone but another lonely girl?
Immediately I call upon my antidote because at least to them I'm too precious to succumb to the poison so easily.

A quickie write up
Namaste.

Hopeless romance

I love, love.
I love the idea of love.
The motion and notion of utter intoxication in the one whom makes you weak.
The hopelessness you feel when staring into their eyes, wondering "What's Next..." As your heart flutters literally out of your chest and into your beloved's perfect fist.
We all take a chance when allowing ourselves to fall so hard for someone; anyone. So hard we bounce. So hard we break? So hard we shatter and find the strength to rebuild but with stronger intuition masked in scrutiny and skepticism.
Buy me roses.
Buy me chocolate.
Buy me jewels and provide me the world.
For you, I'd tear apart every fear you have just for you to grow.
Bloodied fingers; I'd carry you.
Tired legs; I'd war for you.
Weary heart; I'd cover you.
Like the Y in lovely, we would seal an active idea of romance read about only in convenience store novels.
The I would lean to you and with that we would create an us.
An Us in hopeless romance seeking no reprieve from our oasis.

Confessions of a former bigot.

Happy New year all! May 2013 bring you cheer, comfort, love and prosperity. But may the biggest of them all be love.
With such a political climate swirling among us during this post election year, I wanted to address some of my personal thoughts about acceptance. Not just about the hot topic of gay rights but the acceptance of general screw-ups and shortcomings that make us so perfectly imperfect. With that said, I solemnly admit to being a former bigot. Against whom, is irrelevant.

I'm not proud of my past thoughts on the subject, not at all. It actually brings alot of shame to me when I think of it, hence why I often keep it to myself. Me being a believer in the magic of transparency, however, decided to be more vocal about how I used to think, how I think now, and what made me change. Everyone deserves a chance at grace. Even myself.

The biggest impact might have been when I looked into the history of blacks in America. The book "To be a Slave" (I forget the authors name forgive me) had several sample pieces of literature depicting blacks as "lazy, brutal, promiscuous, incapable of thought" as well as "formidably strong, fruitful, having poor kidneys resulting in putrid smell". These were written by Thomas Jefferson himself who also goes on record as treating his slaves the worst of all slave-owning Presidents and sleeping with his slave-women. Ratchet. The freedoms I have in the country can never be accounted for due to those before me that chose to risk everything for the future generations to be judged by character and not color. With that resonanting in my mind, it dawned on me "Who am I to assume anything about anyone...for anything?"
I implore you to ask yourself the same whenever you begin to assume about an individual. Black, white, gay, straight, poor, rich, old, young. Does it at all matter? The emotions tied to not being accepted for something you can't help are devastating, why put another person through that for the sake of righteous indignation? There is absolutely nothing righteous about exclusion and judgement. Jesus washed the feet of whores, killers, thieves and the infected out of Love; are we anymore righteous than Him? All the mistakes and bull we put ourselves through, we have no right to assume, to pass a single judgement. Mistakes will be what it may, but they are temporary. The past makes us but will never break us, so leave the past of others behind you and look forward to hope.
Praying for a compassionate world.

Namaste.