Your Facade ls breaking..

I've had a lot of time on my hands lately (if you don't know why, check the latest post) and the saying of knowing whom your true friends are is so true. This particular situation has me too aware of who answers my phone calls now.
My immediate response to any form of anger or disagreement among my loved ones is an apology.
"I'm sorry I called you so much, I wanted to talk/needed you"
"I'm sorry I was so angry, I needed to vent"
"I'm sorry what I said hurt you, I didn't mean too"
"I'm sorry I hassled you. I thought we could bond"
"I'm sorry I inadequately offended you in some way for you to think less of me for whatever time and context."
"For Gods sake. I'm sorry. Don't ignore me"
"I'm sorry" is my buffer of choice. And it usually works. I'm a humble person, sometimes I screw up royally, but I'm ok with that. We should all check ourselves with a little bit of "YOU ARE NOT PERFECT" with some  "CALM YOUR TITS" finished off with "do better."

However I'm a sensual individual as well as sometimes prideful on my level of care and compassion. I care big. It is at times misunderstood, but still rare therefore I won't change. What has me most upset is when I am taken for granted. I don't care "big" for everyone but I do care for everyone. We all have those in our lives whom we know we need! Those honest, reciprocal, caring friends and family who know your demons and love you harder because of them. Those are the ones to care BIG for.

Or so I'd like too.

When you chose to see the best in everyone its easy to over look detrimental faults over and over. You ignore the backtalk bec "She/He is my homie though!" Or just toss it as misconstrued gossip which we know is as common as church shoes on Sunday (ladies and gentleman) *sips tea*. While we are thinking we are above the grain, what that points us out to be is foolish. Men, and especially women, are not easy to forget the wrongs. Why don't we listen? Why don't we chose to see the facade of a wonderful individual fall to pieces right before us? Is it because our own facade has been shattered on accident and we continue to try to rebuild the look of a great friend? Someone trust worthy, honest, courageous, and accountable?

By the time we discover who was the wolf among our herd, it is often too late. We become that much more damaged, distrusting, and angry. But like I said I won't change. It's a cruel world and at my young age my compassion has left marks as told to me in gratitude. It's a humbling experience and I live for such.

Quality over quantity, I never turn anyone away (unless your presence is so disturbing I can't even be near you..you know who you are *side eye*) so I have no one to blame but myself. Again, that's ok with me. I like to care and care big. But like any read blooded individual I have a limit. You facade of pity will tire me, your assumptions will bother me, your selfish lies will anger me, and your ignoring lies will end our journey.

Don't fake it. Communication is so easy if you just trust the words of your discontent or affection, your choice.

Namaste

And then I got fired

Well, its finally happened. 4 weeks ago I was let go from a job I hated for indiscernable reasons other than I hated to work for them. Even when I filled out my unemployment and was asked why I was let go, all I could come up with was "I don't know, work deterioration I believe." How pathetic does that sound. But I actually feel so so so free. Like a burden lifted off my shoulders; I have no more misery to punch into. No more low pay to struggle with, unemployment checks that are just $100 shy of my weekly pay, a fat 401k to roll over, and beautiful spring weather to wake up to everyday. Plus a steady 2 years of nursing school to commence in August. Life is really good. And I don't miss that satanic 9-whenever laboratory. They pushed and pushed. Took my 6 years with very few raises, increased the workload and made no attempt to shy away from the writing on the wall "You don't matter to management". I checked out of there a year ago mentally and emotionally. So was I surprised? Nope, I'm relieved, and full of hope for what lies ahead. Never thought gainful employment would anchor me to stagnation instead of anchoring me to prosperity. They can have their rotting anchor!

I want everyone to know that I appreciate the well wishes and support throughout this not so difficult time and just be rest assured that I will bounce back as I always do! I serve a mighty God therefore I shall not worry baby! I'm doing what I have to do to get where I need to be. I'll need your help to get there though so don't stop with the encouragement! I love you all.

Namaste

**Expect a follow up to this quick post as details and motives emerge behind my dismissal.