Wednesday, January 31, 2018

My Favorite Holiday To Hate

Elizabeth F. Jeudy CHRISTMAS: My narrative on my favortite holiday I’ve grown to hate. You are my gifts; I don’t need anything more than breath, but appreciation always woulld make me smile but I am willing to pass that on to those who are more than difficult to convince of their worth. That’s OK with me. When you are accepting at receiveing less because you’re already convincingly full of the non-tangebles, you accept the purposeful empty cards with whistful good wishes. You accept and say “Thank You for your thoughts”. While you have past due payements on adult responsibilities all to make sure the others in your life are pleased. My pleasure never mattered to me much, because it came not from my own selfish endeavors but from seeing those corny smiles from my family and friends. But I’m not being honest; the gifts I did receive were never what I requested when at long last asked “What would you like for Christmas?” I just accepted the last-minute thought-less gifts as at least something; at least I was a thought for just a moment. “No, take them and be grateful” was the constant speech I gave myself to appear merry and joyful. Those gifts to this day from a decade ago of dealing with this habit have remained in my closet untouched. I was always an earner, maybe a lull in times but when I was on, no one could stop me and I then looked forward to spend that little fortune on my clueless family to show some shallow grattitude of “LOOK WHAT I DID, LOOK WHAT I HAVE SPENT MY HARD HUSTLE MONEY ON JUST TO SHOW MY INKLING OF LOVE ON THIS HOLIDAY that I grown hate”. GOAL: Met- GOAL: Ignored. I am often not lonely but I will admit, these holidays will be a lonely set of joyless folly. I am so polite that these faux-kindness gifts and and Thank You’s are soaked up like well wishes often were, reminicent of War-Time propaganda; believing the best just to have something to believe in. I wished and prayed for recognition deeper than a summer rain puddle. Why doesn’t anyone get it? I smile so that you can smile back. I don’t frown so you can smile back, and force my smile for the same damn reason. God; I just want my smile to be organic, recognized, appreciated and pleasant to the eyes that matter. Please, I need a rescue from this nonesence holiday that breaks my bank account and subsequentially my heart. But after all it is Christmas, and all that Ho-Ho-Ho Jolly fun-time Opiate of December is abundantly annoying just knowing what is and has been essentially in store for me. So easy to swallow, so easy to succumb, so easy to smile. Merry Christmas.

Sunday, May 7, 2017

Don't call Me

Beautiful? I may be, that's what my daddy call me.
My ebony defined me, as a perfect shade of brown beauty.
Am I perfect? No, perfection is exhausting, also nonexistent.
But I'm present and damn, am I present!
I am a present.
As concerning as I may be, it's still not enough to a " maybe".
But beautiful? I am me.
And no, u can't stop me.
As I stare at the daunting amount of books that will be useless in 13 weeks?
I weep. For what can blossom from weak roots
rooted in weak roots of "Just read me, these books".
Melanin of all shades, parades of all parades
And when I stand , All will Say
"Hooray"
Hooray for the struggle
Horrray for Bondage
Horray for the sisterhood
Horray for brotherhood
Horray for the OURhood.
The term UNSTOPPABLE will not define us but will promote us in our own desire to stand in the fire
Of preposterous words and
falsehoods absurd.
Now stand.
Stand for you.
Stand For us.
Stand for your country.
Stand for their county.
We will overcome.

Monday, February 6, 2017

Untitled

Even shadows have the company of darkness.
While even my own silouhette escapes its duty of being by my side.
Inside the spirit wages a war vs flesh; desires vs needs and the casualties are extraordinary.
Love dies.
And to be revived love needs the power of itself to believe in itself.
To AGAIN be raged in agony against itself due to the duality of LOVE
L- for lust
O- for observation
V- for vindication
E- for for evolving

A joke.

Maybe I should laugh.
When hypocrisy wears the everyday  mask, pretends to be liberal while conserving views about who I should be.
Trying to change my mind on who I can be.
maybe I should laugh.
Watching ABCBSFOXBETBSMTV exploit a culture as a fad, cut divide and reassemble reload rehash reply and redeem something then know nothing about..
A song, an artist, a figure, a race, a style, a genre, a problem.
Maybe I should laugh.
When I see my dignity being mocked, threaded away as comedy.
Do I look like a joke?

Friday, October 14, 2016

Vulnerable.

I deny myself.
I deny my issues slight and large.
I deny those caring for my tender heart beat.
So when I claim to be ok, I abhore you to question it.
I've been fighting since I could spell it but the love... The LOVE is real.
All I ask is to "hold me. My lack of confidence may be my undoing. And the last word I want to hear is "YOU'RE STRONG" because I am NOT.
I'm weak, I am so vulnerable. Please be near me and don't inundate me with your nonsense while clouding my own difficulties with petty crap!....." Is what I want to yell.
Sad clowns always have a reason to smile.
I have reasons to smile.

Monday, August 10, 2015

Something Nice

Long days, dripping with sweat and resentments.  I'd rather be on a beach without either, but I am an adult with adult responsibilities completely lacking of affordable downtime. 
One thing I want is a form of comfort in one verse or another; one tone or another; one word or another. Tell me something nice please.
Tell me something as cliche as "Everything will be alright",  because even that will have me look up. Wipe the sweat from my brow and ask why do I feel that working so hard towards a goal I can't touch is my journey?  Tell me something as nice as "Tell me something nice".
But words like "I give up on you" or harsh moments of desperate silence seem to finish those sentences of wondering what exactly did I do? In those words "WHAT DID I DO"
For you to consider me regrettable
For you to consider me forgettable
For you to consider me umentionable.
But when that fan hits some shit I'm the first person to come to mind to clean up the mess you're responsible for. How convenient for you to claim no blame but watch me attempt to make it better and point while saying "I got her".

I'm a fool.

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Dear Indigo

My dear indigo child, ageless on your aging yet wise in all wisdom. If we could all be like you! Regardless of things maybe worth regarding, you were quick to disregard the regarding of your regards because you disregarded them! Such bravo and courage and courage and bravo. Bless us all with your continuation of the road less traveled.  I admire you.  Happy birthday Victoria! 
Love,  your cousin