Your Facade ls breaking..

I've had a lot of time on my hands lately (if you don't know why, check the latest post) and the saying of knowing whom your true friends are is so true. This particular situation has me too aware of who answers my phone calls now.
My immediate response to any form of anger or disagreement among my loved ones is an apology.
"I'm sorry I called you so much, I wanted to talk/needed you"
"I'm sorry I was so angry, I needed to vent"
"I'm sorry what I said hurt you, I didn't mean too"
"I'm sorry I hassled you. I thought we could bond"
"I'm sorry I inadequately offended you in some way for you to think less of me for whatever time and context."
"For Gods sake. I'm sorry. Don't ignore me"
"I'm sorry" is my buffer of choice. And it usually works. I'm a humble person, sometimes I screw up royally, but I'm ok with that. We should all check ourselves with a little bit of "YOU ARE NOT PERFECT" with some  "CALM YOUR TITS" finished off with "do better."

However I'm a sensual individual as well as sometimes prideful on my level of care and compassion. I care big. It is at times misunderstood, but still rare therefore I won't change. What has me most upset is when I am taken for granted. I don't care "big" for everyone but I do care for everyone. We all have those in our lives whom we know we need! Those honest, reciprocal, caring friends and family who know your demons and love you harder because of them. Those are the ones to care BIG for.

Or so I'd like too.

When you chose to see the best in everyone its easy to over look detrimental faults over and over. You ignore the backtalk bec "She/He is my homie though!" Or just toss it as misconstrued gossip which we know is as common as church shoes on Sunday (ladies and gentleman) *sips tea*. While we are thinking we are above the grain, what that points us out to be is foolish. Men, and especially women, are not easy to forget the wrongs. Why don't we listen? Why don't we chose to see the facade of a wonderful individual fall to pieces right before us? Is it because our own facade has been shattered on accident and we continue to try to rebuild the look of a great friend? Someone trust worthy, honest, courageous, and accountable?

By the time we discover who was the wolf among our herd, it is often too late. We become that much more damaged, distrusting, and angry. But like I said I won't change. It's a cruel world and at my young age my compassion has left marks as told to me in gratitude. It's a humbling experience and I live for such.

Quality over quantity, I never turn anyone away (unless your presence is so disturbing I can't even be near you..you know who you are *side eye*) so I have no one to blame but myself. Again, that's ok with me. I like to care and care big. But like any read blooded individual I have a limit. You facade of pity will tire me, your assumptions will bother me, your selfish lies will anger me, and your ignoring lies will end our journey.

Don't fake it. Communication is so easy if you just trust the words of your discontent or affection, your choice.

Namaste

And then I got fired

Well, its finally happened. 4 weeks ago I was let go from a job I hated for indiscernable reasons other than I hated to work for them. Even when I filled out my unemployment and was asked why I was let go, all I could come up with was "I don't know, work deterioration I believe." How pathetic does that sound. But I actually feel so so so free. Like a burden lifted off my shoulders; I have no more misery to punch into. No more low pay to struggle with, unemployment checks that are just $100 shy of my weekly pay, a fat 401k to roll over, and beautiful spring weather to wake up to everyday. Plus a steady 2 years of nursing school to commence in August. Life is really good. And I don't miss that satanic 9-whenever laboratory. They pushed and pushed. Took my 6 years with very few raises, increased the workload and made no attempt to shy away from the writing on the wall "You don't matter to management". I checked out of there a year ago mentally and emotionally. So was I surprised? Nope, I'm relieved, and full of hope for what lies ahead. Never thought gainful employment would anchor me to stagnation instead of anchoring me to prosperity. They can have their rotting anchor!

I want everyone to know that I appreciate the well wishes and support throughout this not so difficult time and just be rest assured that I will bounce back as I always do! I serve a mighty God therefore I shall not worry baby! I'm doing what I have to do to get where I need to be. I'll need your help to get there though so don't stop with the encouragement! I love you all.

Namaste

**Expect a follow up to this quick post as details and motives emerge behind my dismissal.

Dear Self.

Dear Self,
Another morning, hazy and full of regrets. Regretting what you shoulda, coulda, woulda but didn't. So now now you relentlessly beat yourself without mercy for what you cannot change. So typical. Tired from imagining a redo that will never come, and planning for ways to forget that very fact; you trudge to a job. A J-O-B and nothing more, but so much less. 1:00pm; a few smart comments exchanged between you and the manager, maybe some tasks completed IF you can get over how heavy this burden of misery is; 50% of the day is over. A nap, some food, and 3hrs later you drive home carrying a few extra gray hairs.
Self, I don't know about you but I'm sure tired of this routine. For what it is worth you aren't as hapless nor hopeless as you perceive. People of all ages die everyday and yet here you are available to muck up another opportunity to live. Self be forgiving, be patient, be brave, and be deserving. To yourself. To others. Many don't understand the steps you take to be who you are, nor the stumbles encountered that lead to incredible victories that no one knows about. So humble Self, or is that shame that blinds and muffles you?

Self, you're so beautiful. You hear it all day long. Why don't you believe it? Why do you get into your own way and sink into the bs of negativity? Stop denying yourself the happiness waiting for you just beyond your silly self loathing. Yea Self, its silly. Silly to slap yourself for what's not important while laying low to greatness. Enough! Open your eyes Self: Life has just begun. Love you.

Namaste

Loneliness in a lonely world.

<p>Hey All.<br>
I've had a few difficult weekends. One guy-related, one family related blowout after another. So&nbsp; my emotions are on a literal crash course rollercoaster. Yes, please feel bad for me. No, don't attempt to "psychologize" me, just aide me in discovering ways to pull away my dark clouds. <br>
Do you have dark clouds? I'll tell you my own dark clouds. Self loathing, insecurity, paranoia...cray cray! Took me my entire 20's to realize that these feelings happen but they don't have to. How to prevent them is another story, but I do have a theory.
I am blessed with wonderful friends who I never doubted to always have my best interest and mine theirs. They are my antidote to my poisonous thoughts so when I'm drowning in them I know exactly who to call. So I call. And call. And call. And call some mo'. Never an attitude, always gracious and kind words to set my scales right. I'm now at a point where just the thought of my homegirls sets me straight because I KNOW they love me inside and out.
Now that's the easy part... the hard part are the people in your life that you aren't so sure about. How do you handle them? Some may be cool, enjoyable, and perhaps carry similar interest and attributes. And I swear this happens all the time- the second you've let your guard down they show their true ugly colors. My immediate response is always "why me?". But in all honesty, why not me? Whom am I to anyone but another lonely girl?
Immediately I call upon my antidote because at least to them I'm too precious to succumb to the poison so easily.

A quickie write up
Namaste.

Hopeless romance

I love, love.
I love the idea of love.
The motion and notion of utter intoxication in the one whom makes you weak.
The hopelessness you feel when staring into their eyes, wondering "What's Next..." As your heart flutters literally out of your chest and into your beloved's perfect fist.
We all take a chance when allowing ourselves to fall so hard for someone; anyone. So hard we bounce. So hard we break? So hard we shatter and find the strength to rebuild but with stronger intuition masked in scrutiny and skepticism.
Buy me roses.
Buy me chocolate.
Buy me jewels and provide me the world.
For you, I'd tear apart every fear you have just for you to grow.
Bloodied fingers; I'd carry you.
Tired legs; I'd war for you.
Weary heart; I'd cover you.
Like the Y in lovely, we would seal an active idea of romance read about only in convenience store novels.
The I would lean to you and with that we would create an us.
An Us in hopeless romance seeking no reprieve from our oasis.

Confessions of a former bigot.

Happy New year all! May 2013 bring you cheer, comfort, love and prosperity. But may the biggest of them all be love.
With such a political climate swirling among us during this post election year, I wanted to address some of my personal thoughts about acceptance. Not just about the hot topic of gay rights but the acceptance of general screw-ups and shortcomings that make us so perfectly imperfect. With that said, I solemnly admit to being a former bigot. Against whom, is irrelevant.

I'm not proud of my past thoughts on the subject, not at all. It actually brings alot of shame to me when I think of it, hence why I often keep it to myself. Me being a believer in the magic of transparency, however, decided to be more vocal about how I used to think, how I think now, and what made me change. Everyone deserves a chance at grace. Even myself.

The biggest impact might have been when I looked into the history of blacks in America. The book "To be a Slave" (I forget the authors name forgive me) had several sample pieces of literature depicting blacks as "lazy, brutal, promiscuous, incapable of thought" as well as "formidably strong, fruitful, having poor kidneys resulting in putrid smell". These were written by Thomas Jefferson himself who also goes on record as treating his slaves the worst of all slave-owning Presidents and sleeping with his slave-women. Ratchet. The freedoms I have in the country can never be accounted for due to those before me that chose to risk everything for the future generations to be judged by character and not color. With that resonanting in my mind, it dawned on me "Who am I to assume anything about anyone...for anything?"
I implore you to ask yourself the same whenever you begin to assume about an individual. Black, white, gay, straight, poor, rich, old, young. Does it at all matter? The emotions tied to not being accepted for something you can't help are devastating, why put another person through that for the sake of righteous indignation? There is absolutely nothing righteous about exclusion and judgement. Jesus washed the feet of whores, killers, thieves and the infected out of Love; are we anymore righteous than Him? All the mistakes and bull we put ourselves through, we have no right to assume, to pass a single judgement. Mistakes will be what it may, but they are temporary. The past makes us but will never break us, so leave the past of others behind you and look forward to hope.
Praying for a compassionate world.

Namaste.

28th Year of turbulent Beauty

I just wonder how many people have not made it to see their 28th birthday. I know personally a handful of unfortunate souls. All I can really say is that I'm unworthy of such blessing. Thank God for mercy, undeserved unfiltered mercy. The gift that, without it, I may not be here. Every day is something to be preciously appreciative for. Thank you all for making me feel like I mean something :)
Namaste