28th Year of turbulent Beauty

I just wonder how many people have not made it to see their 28th birthday. I know personally a handful of unfortunate souls. All I can really say is that I'm unworthy of such blessing. Thank God for mercy, undeserved unfiltered mercy. The gift that, without it, I may not be here. Every day is something to be preciously appreciative for. Thank you all for making me feel like I mean something :)
Namaste

Sometimes (read: often) my mind Wanders.

Just a quickie, a few thoughts on how we cope with stress, disappointments, our friends, our enemies. Life.
I find myself desperatly needing distractions from the ails of adulthood and I question whether I am doing more hard than good. Taking my mind off the pressures of survival and instead just living. Splurging on decadent meals and desserts without contemplating the amount of calories I would have to now deny myself for the rest of the week. Instead, I simply just enjoy. Coming home from the job I hate and cooing at the amount of trashy tv that's waiting for me as well as my favorite spot on the couch. All because I'm desperate for an escape from that that annoys me. Maybe I'm spending too much time and energy on my "escapes". Knowing myself, I have the awful tendency of pondering to the point of a migraine without producing any real solutions.
A cluttered mind is impossible to understand, and our minds can just be so full of junk. Perhaps that's why distractions must happen. The mind will always wander, passively or otherwise. In our least pensive moments the backroom of our subconscious SOMEHOW lights up a way out of our troubles. And it always seems so simple.
Our Distractions are important. It's a way to appreciate the sunshine before and after the rain. If we are smart, we would remember the sun when it rains the hardest. 
But I am forced to evaluate my own life as I discover my lucid need for distractions. Whether it be the gym, sleep, or night-life, I have no fingers to point but at myself. The life I live is mine and no one else's, therefore my need for distraction is my fault. All situations aside, I will consider this an awakening to appreciate the sun during my storms. I'll also keep in mind the severity of storms that others endure. Some don't have it as good as I fail to see and that is my/our lesson to learn. These are the thoughts that wander.

Namaste

How much are we willing to suffer for him/her?

I wanted to touch on a subject that folks my age know all too well; how to love the significant other.
If anything about my outlook on life has changed since my teenage (and my dumb early 20s) its that life AIN'T LIKE THE MOVIES. Disney lied to us, 'Boy Meets World' lied to us, "Family Matters' lied to us and every single romantic comedy has LIED to us. The formula is the same: boy meets girl, they fall in love, tragedy, break up followed by "I've always loved you" and "its us against the world baby" equals Happily-Ever-After. Biggest con in history yet we ate it up like free lunch. I like to believe that the hope for happily-ever-after keeps us always wishing and working towards a goal in our relationships. Nothing that is worth it comes easy, right? So my question to those in love, or lust, is how much are you willling to suffer for your lover? How much are you willing to suffer for your love?
This post is mainly inspired by recent tales of torrid relationships.
I understand that I am on the outside of said relationships, I don't know the full story, just one side. But the details of that one side, if true are enough for me to make my own decision about the offending party. What am I talking about? I'm talking about violence. As a woman, I'd be hard pressed to think someone has never been exposed to domestic violence or knew someone who was a victim/perpetrator. I won't begin to assume why the household has become a war zone nor will I deny that it happens. I'm grateful to never have had to defend myself physically against any boyfriend of my past, but if I had to just ONE time I assure you it would be the last time.
I constantly wonder why men and women stay in relationships detrimental to their health? Is the love that strong? Are the sacrifices of your well being worth the potential hazard that is your mate? These inquiries made me think of my own definition of what it is to be in a relationship, maybe I'm the one who has it wrong. Maybe the fights signify a deep rooted passion that only a soul mate could posses for his or her equal. Maybe if things flow too easily then someone isn't being genuine. Maybe without strife there is no growth, no conquest. And how does that play into loving your mate with shouting, black eyes and bruises? Would that constitute as love? It wouldn't. Keep in mind that violence, as a habit, escalates regardless of how many apologies and promises are made. Ask the countless men and women who have lived to tell of their ordeal.
If these victims loved themselves would the situation still occur? That's not a fair question to ask, but its begs to wonder why the violence was allowed to continue in the first place. I say allowed because if there was respect among both parties I do not see where any violence would have a place.
"But I love him, He loves me."
That may be true. What I wonder is do you love yourself? Love yourself enough to see that you don't deserve to be frightened into timidity. Love is scary on its own means of sacrifice, and willingness to allow a stranger into your world wholeheartedly. To be frightened though? No. Not of the man or woman whom you love or claims to love you.
I don't have much else to say on the topic, I just question the reasons why domestic violence happens, why it KEEPS happening, and why the victims remain with their aggressor in some maniacal claim of "love". 

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 New International Version (NIV)

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

-Namaste

What do we have to complain about?

One day at work, as I sit in front of the same brightly lit (and aptly named) Chameleon software LIS, doing as I've done for the past 5 yrs, wondering where the last 5 years went. As well as where has my hope that 5 years from then I would be saving lives at some hospital or clinic has gone. Hated the job I served as a technician in a boring field, with a crabby, short man for a director. Hated that I was painfully single, and hated that my salary (after 4 years of college) just doesn't see to make due. I started to feel sorry for myself. Asking "Where did it all go wrong?", if it even went wrong at all? Nursing a migraine, my eyes well up with tears of shame to the point where I could longer make out a single patient report. So I ran to the bathroom mumbling something about "My contacts.." to my coworker. When I start to feel that way, I always call my aunt or my best friends. These are people that know me inside and out and recognize how I often succumb to my own self-pity. But somehow these special, patient, people in my life reveal the sun that exist through clouds I often place there myself. Bad Habit. I don't know where I would be without such individuals and if I ever have anything to thank God about, its them. My aunt picks up and like clockwork she calms me down. Reassures me that I'm not a failure and reminds me of my upcoming 1st semester of nursing school in the new year (hopefully..). So the conversation starts to go random and she tells me of a mutual friend suffering a horrible ordeal over the weekend. Said friend was awaken by the son of her upstairs neighbor needing assistance. There was a dead woman in her apartment. The young woman who sent her son to get my friend had just found her mother-in-law unresponsive to her daily morning breakfast request. Cold, and still. She was far gone beyond any CPR attempts yet my friend attempted anyway. She knew the woman was dead. EMT called it on the scene and carried the remains of the old woman graciously down the steps of the 5-story walk-up building. The saddest part of this story is that not too long before, her husband spoke to his well-in-health mother as he left for work that morning only to receive a call sometime later with the second worst news of his life. His father had passed just a few months before. So many victims in the terrible tragedy. The old woman, the young woman, the young woman's husband, the young woman's son, my friend. All will never forget the sight of death right within their own home. And the man that just buried his father now has to put his mother to the same final rest. All in the same season. Me, sitting here, recalling that remarkably jarring conversation leaves me in total awe of what I could lose, but haven't. What I could have been without, but I'm not. I lack nothing. I got off the phone with my aunt repenting to God for my ungrateful attitude and went to go tell another coworker about the ordeal. She cuts me off to tell me that a young boy was shot and killed after a youth summer camp program in front of children that were being released. Her kids were there, but thankfully they were not harmed. They could have been. She's visibly upset; the shooter clearly didn't care for the safety of children (or anyone for that matter) to pull out a gun around 3 on a summer afternoon and use it fatally. I don't know if the deceased was involved with gangs or some sort of disagreement. It doesn't matter in the slightest, a life lost to violence is a senseless death. The potential for more causalities in that situation is enough to give any parent nightmares. That same coworker removed her kids from said summer camp program as well as the school. I wish her hustle the best of luck as she attempts to register her three boys at another school for the new school year. What the hell do we have to complain about?

Being Nice gets you no where.

I am bitter. There! I've said it! Not proudly however, this is an attribute that is glued to the perception of black women incorrectly and for stupid reasons (read-media portrayal). But I digress. I'm bitter because I'm unselfish and not spiteful. I don't believe in revenge, I don't believe in actions that harm. Sorry I.Just.Don't. Kumbaya and all dat son. So..being bitter is contradictory, but then again not really. I recognize how different my views are and it doesn't bother me. What bothers me is that being so "nice" gets you no where. Literally no where. How many times have you heard "yeah he/she's ugly, corny, and his/her breathe smells like hot garbage in the summer. But he's nice." Well damn. So after all them disses folks wanna wrap it up in a backhanded compliment and top it with a "nice". It's almost worth it to be a straight up derelict to society, at least folks won't attempt to dress up insults for the sake of offensiveness. Our wish in life, well at least mine, is to be remembered when I'm gone. Remembered for something great, something that stands out in the minds of those who walked among me. "Nice" won't get you remembered. There is nothing extraordinary about a "nice person" partly because it's polite to be nice to others and politeness is arrogantly expected. So when you get what you expect does the memory linger? Hell nah! It's sad that we live in a dangerous world where sociopaths and pedophiles quietly share the same office, restaurant, or home with us that what we chose to shoo away are the folks who are unabashedly "nice". Being someone familiar with this horrid term ("She's such a nice girl...what's her name?""I dunno...") trust me when I say STOP SAYING THAT. It's not easy to be so caring while the populace systematicly forgets all about u. Why? Because good, nice, people are expected. And when you get what you expect, you forget the expected. Woo is us :'(. Please understand while for some to be complete assholes is effortless, for individuals like myself it's almost impossible. My nature is to nurture, not harm. I may fail sometimes but ain't nobody perfect. Not even you. When someones running to the elevator, I hold it open. If someones hungry, I will feed them. Need a ride? Well...gas cost about 1/18th of my soul so we gon' need to work something out. But I'd still offer! No, I'm am no Jesus but I'd like to be. I'd like to be remembered. I'd like to be considered when I'm looking for comfort and I reach out to empty inboxes or unanswered phone calls. Is it that hard to think of others? Is it that easy to be selfish? In writing this, I actually feel encouraged to continue my lone quest of sympathy for the world around me. Yes. I hate that I'm "nice", and easily forgotten. But I love that when there's a broken heart that requires mending, I'm remembered. I am bitter because no one has mended mine, or even knows the extent. Inbox is still empty..until the next fallen spirit finds me. Closing thoughts--There is a lot to be proud of in being called nice. Only because there's no other opinion of you that would be offensive. Because that's the ONLY opinion of you. Namaste

Was feeling musical...

I put it all in a song, But all you heard was the melody. When I turned it off, you asked "why so suddenly?" I wrapped the tune around you, and made it sound so sweet So that the two of you would finally meet. The 'you' that you are And the 'you' of my song Can sometimes conflict in ways that make me switch But then I switch, and chose to play the song anyway And hope that maybe someday In another way That my song would dance you over my way Then we would dance away. But then until that day, let's let the music play.

Our walking Days and Nights make our feet sore

I was just thinking about the people I've invited into my life. Those old, new, past, present and a few that like a bad cold every winter, attempt to re-infect my life. Like the pure breed sucker I am, I give them another shot. And then another, AND THEN ANOTHER (will I ever learn...probably not). Don't get me wrong, I continue to be forgiving because Lawd knows I ain't right and I'm not bitter about that in the slightest. To me, it is one of my favorite attributes about myself. In a way, my hope was that this forgiving spirit of mine would shine and therefore reveal how important my presence is in the persons life. In my head I'm thinking "Now we will forever be cool and respectful because we have gone beyond our petty fights forever and ever!". -______- Clearly I'm living on a dream cloud and my 'dream cloud visa' finna expire. The reason why I'm so focused on positive interactions among everyone I encounter is simply because there are SO MANY DEGENERATES among our walking days and nights. Think about the person who cut you off this morning, or the idiot who coughed with his mouth open (Really though?..) or the grocery clerk who said "What chu want?" instead of graciously acting like jobs aren't easy to come by. Chile.... I could go on! Last thing we need in our lives are our homies and homettes being inconsiderate. I'm sayin! I come off a bad day, call up SANDRA AND D'EM to to enjoy happy hour specials and these heffas show up either 1) Later than the cable guy or 2) With all intentions of not listening to me piss and moan. *Cries all the way home* At moments like this I can't help but remember the looonnggg, and late nights on the phone listening to every detail of my friends horrible day/date/job/night/parents and then some. Did I always wanna sit on the phone? No, sometimes SLEEP was preferred! But I made the willing sacrifice for my sista from another mother because I knew she would do the same. Welp..there goes that assumption. I probably sound petty as hell but DAMN THAT. Life is tough, beautiful in our own way but still a bumpy road for most of us. The people that we can honestly call our friends obviously bind with you on more levels then one. Maybe its similar culture, or familiar pains from the past, insecurities, fellowship with ratchet behavior, I dunno I'm not judging! These are stories that only we and our 'ride or die' friends can recount and bust an ugly laugh at inappropriate moments. But if you gonna be there during my high times, would it really bother you to be there at my lowest? These are questions that need to be asked (and answered!) in all relationships. I do not believe in acquaintances, you know, the "I don't know her like that but we sometimes chill"- yeah that. Why? It's lazy and gives us the option to dismiss individuals. Just saying that upsets my chi, why do we need "options to dismiss" ? If this post was about dating I wouldn't mention that but I'm writting on treating our favorite people compassionately. Even if they aren't your favorite, would it kill you be CORDIAL? Some of y'all greasy like potato chips and probably don't understand what the problem is with that (<_<) *side eye of condemnation* I guess the purpose of this was to help everyone, including myself, to be aware of the slight gestures that would make tiny rifts in your friendships. Also, be indiscriminately kind. It's a cold world *burr*

First shot

For someone who hates blogs, I am pretty excited to start my own. I have very little purpose for this blog but to assist the living with just that...living! I'm no guru, me I'm no actor, I'm just me! But I'm also a woman of particular experiences that have helped me grow to know a thing or two about a thing or two. My ears are always open to new thoughts and discussions, however, so please feel free to *respectfully* challenge my thoughts. Wish me luck on this new found journey as I bid you adieu for now ;)