4am is a funny time.

No particular person on my mind but as always, the idea of one. One single, entity perfect for me, in mind spirit and body. As a fool in her foolish ways, I always "feel" before I think. This propensity led me to some duds but I can't help being a chemical person.

A "chemical person" to me (and according to me) is someone who bases all attractions on that inert feeling of lust and love. If the chemicals within me aren't reacting then -we- won't react...chemically or otherwise.

That chemical attraction is like the whistful pause of satisfaction after a painfully fatty meal; the gratification of getting exactly what you want; the sence of carnal gravitation without trying to create it. It makes you happy, joyful, sad, angry, and crazy....not all in that order or magnitude but after that roller coaster you know you want more.

So as I sit here in my lucid imagination I deeply imagine how much fun my chemical roller coaster would be and bravely take a front seat to the thrill.

Namaste.

How many times will we ask this question about life?

One sentence out my mouth more often than others is "Life is something else". Why? Because it freakin is! Currently having wine and jokes with my awesome best friend, a woman I swear I don't deserve to have. And she gets on the subject of "what is life, and what the hell do we do with it?" In our late 20s at varying stages of establishment...that question can be tough to answer if you haven't mulled it over already. She says its about either avoiding life's bumps or getting back up from them. Preparing yourself to absorb or reflect the offenses just waiting for you every moment. But I disagree. Unless what you're doing makes you happy, you aren't living.
One thing that makes you appreciate life are those that loose theirs...the multiple RIPs in my life and yours were enough to look back on the bs mistakes and LAUGH. Like.."Wait, hold up...Homie you were trippin over that?! Bwaaahahahaaaaaa!! Man shut up!" Yes just like that. Do what makes you insanely, incoherently, ineligibly, and undoubtedly happy.....and lucky for us happiness is relative. The folks who pissed you off? OH WELL move on. Didn't get your way? OH WELL move on. Not a perfect childhood? OH WELL move on. Couple of bad break ups? OH WELL move on. Key words MOVE ON. Because I'll be damned if any of my last few moments consisted of me wrapped up in shoulda, coulda, woulda, why nots, and tears. I have today.. *correction* ...WE have today. And Damnit, Today is great! Here's to tomorrow being equally great. And if it isn't? Well, you know what to do.

*hint* move on

Namaste

Quick and Painless

How lucky am I to have what I do.
How lucky am I to have what I do?
It's neither a question or statement, just a mere observation. Staying up on what's playing within our media assures me of one thing and one thing only. "That could've been anyone.."

Life has a way of smacking the selfish out of you and making it sting.
Just a thought, what are yours?

Your Facade ls breaking..

I've had a lot of time on my hands lately (if you don't know why, check the latest post) and the saying of knowing whom your true friends are is so true. This particular situation has me too aware of who answers my phone calls now.
My immediate response to any form of anger or disagreement among my loved ones is an apology.
"I'm sorry I called you so much, I wanted to talk/needed you"
"I'm sorry I was so angry, I needed to vent"
"I'm sorry what I said hurt you, I didn't mean too"
"I'm sorry I hassled you. I thought we could bond"
"I'm sorry I inadequately offended you in some way for you to think less of me for whatever time and context."
"For Gods sake. I'm sorry. Don't ignore me"
"I'm sorry" is my buffer of choice. And it usually works. I'm a humble person, sometimes I screw up royally, but I'm ok with that. We should all check ourselves with a little bit of "YOU ARE NOT PERFECT" with some  "CALM YOUR TITS" finished off with "do better."

However I'm a sensual individual as well as sometimes prideful on my level of care and compassion. I care big. It is at times misunderstood, but still rare therefore I won't change. What has me most upset is when I am taken for granted. I don't care "big" for everyone but I do care for everyone. We all have those in our lives whom we know we need! Those honest, reciprocal, caring friends and family who know your demons and love you harder because of them. Those are the ones to care BIG for.

Or so I'd like too.

When you chose to see the best in everyone its easy to over look detrimental faults over and over. You ignore the backtalk bec "She/He is my homie though!" Or just toss it as misconstrued gossip which we know is as common as church shoes on Sunday (ladies and gentleman) *sips tea*. While we are thinking we are above the grain, what that points us out to be is foolish. Men, and especially women, are not easy to forget the wrongs. Why don't we listen? Why don't we chose to see the facade of a wonderful individual fall to pieces right before us? Is it because our own facade has been shattered on accident and we continue to try to rebuild the look of a great friend? Someone trust worthy, honest, courageous, and accountable?

By the time we discover who was the wolf among our herd, it is often too late. We become that much more damaged, distrusting, and angry. But like I said I won't change. It's a cruel world and at my young age my compassion has left marks as told to me in gratitude. It's a humbling experience and I live for such.

Quality over quantity, I never turn anyone away (unless your presence is so disturbing I can't even be near you..you know who you are *side eye*) so I have no one to blame but myself. Again, that's ok with me. I like to care and care big. But like any read blooded individual I have a limit. You facade of pity will tire me, your assumptions will bother me, your selfish lies will anger me, and your ignoring lies will end our journey.

Don't fake it. Communication is so easy if you just trust the words of your discontent or affection, your choice.

Namaste

And then I got fired

Well, its finally happened. 4 weeks ago I was let go from a job I hated for indiscernable reasons other than I hated to work for them. Even when I filled out my unemployment and was asked why I was let go, all I could come up with was "I don't know, work deterioration I believe." How pathetic does that sound. But I actually feel so so so free. Like a burden lifted off my shoulders; I have no more misery to punch into. No more low pay to struggle with, unemployment checks that are just $100 shy of my weekly pay, a fat 401k to roll over, and beautiful spring weather to wake up to everyday. Plus a steady 2 years of nursing school to commence in August. Life is really good. And I don't miss that satanic 9-whenever laboratory. They pushed and pushed. Took my 6 years with very few raises, increased the workload and made no attempt to shy away from the writing on the wall "You don't matter to management". I checked out of there a year ago mentally and emotionally. So was I surprised? Nope, I'm relieved, and full of hope for what lies ahead. Never thought gainful employment would anchor me to stagnation instead of anchoring me to prosperity. They can have their rotting anchor!

I want everyone to know that I appreciate the well wishes and support throughout this not so difficult time and just be rest assured that I will bounce back as I always do! I serve a mighty God therefore I shall not worry baby! I'm doing what I have to do to get where I need to be. I'll need your help to get there though so don't stop with the encouragement! I love you all.

Namaste

**Expect a follow up to this quick post as details and motives emerge behind my dismissal.

Dear Self.

Dear Self,
Another morning, hazy and full of regrets. Regretting what you shoulda, coulda, woulda but didn't. So now now you relentlessly beat yourself without mercy for what you cannot change. So typical. Tired from imagining a redo that will never come, and planning for ways to forget that very fact; you trudge to a job. A J-O-B and nothing more, but so much less. 1:00pm; a few smart comments exchanged between you and the manager, maybe some tasks completed IF you can get over how heavy this burden of misery is; 50% of the day is over. A nap, some food, and 3hrs later you drive home carrying a few extra gray hairs.
Self, I don't know about you but I'm sure tired of this routine. For what it is worth you aren't as hapless nor hopeless as you perceive. People of all ages die everyday and yet here you are available to muck up another opportunity to live. Self be forgiving, be patient, be brave, and be deserving. To yourself. To others. Many don't understand the steps you take to be who you are, nor the stumbles encountered that lead to incredible victories that no one knows about. So humble Self, or is that shame that blinds and muffles you?

Self, you're so beautiful. You hear it all day long. Why don't you believe it? Why do you get into your own way and sink into the bs of negativity? Stop denying yourself the happiness waiting for you just beyond your silly self loathing. Yea Self, its silly. Silly to slap yourself for what's not important while laying low to greatness. Enough! Open your eyes Self: Life has just begun. Love you.

Namaste

Loneliness in a lonely world.

<p>Hey All.<br>
I've had a few difficult weekends. One guy-related, one family related blowout after another. So&nbsp; my emotions are on a literal crash course rollercoaster. Yes, please feel bad for me. No, don't attempt to "psychologize" me, just aide me in discovering ways to pull away my dark clouds. <br>
Do you have dark clouds? I'll tell you my own dark clouds. Self loathing, insecurity, paranoia...cray cray! Took me my entire 20's to realize that these feelings happen but they don't have to. How to prevent them is another story, but I do have a theory.
I am blessed with wonderful friends who I never doubted to always have my best interest and mine theirs. They are my antidote to my poisonous thoughts so when I'm drowning in them I know exactly who to call. So I call. And call. And call. And call some mo'. Never an attitude, always gracious and kind words to set my scales right. I'm now at a point where just the thought of my homegirls sets me straight because I KNOW they love me inside and out.
Now that's the easy part... the hard part are the people in your life that you aren't so sure about. How do you handle them? Some may be cool, enjoyable, and perhaps carry similar interest and attributes. And I swear this happens all the time- the second you've let your guard down they show their true ugly colors. My immediate response is always "why me?". But in all honesty, why not me? Whom am I to anyone but another lonely girl?
Immediately I call upon my antidote because at least to them I'm too precious to succumb to the poison so easily.

A quickie write up
Namaste.