No name.

I don't have a name for this, just an emotion or two. Traversing this journey called life with my two cents and change. For lack of a better term..its uncommon. Not by my own definition but by those so willing to marginalise the others. Funny how I never saw myself as an "other" until the other told me just how much of an " other" I was. My tone was other, my speech was other, my interest were other, my cuisine was other, and my hair was certainly other. Not pretty, not decent just other. What does that even mean? For some time I was assumed to be ashamed of my other-ness despite my ignorance to my position in the realm of normal? I would judge my reflection on how I looked but the term "other" never hit me.  Maybe my hips too wide, nose too wide, too soft spoken, tom boy extraordinare. But who cares. I'm too into myself to take any "other" opinion seriously.

Its s big step, to be confident in yourself. To disregard the ugly of human race and see yourself as beautiful and flawed, what a life! It's blindfully telling.
This write up has no name.

Namaste.

After Midnight

Late nights up till sunrise, so much to wonder. You know whats perplexing? The nature of people; the bad and good. And its affect on others. I can only pray my ripples of influence create balance and peace but I am a mere sinner of epic proportions. Hm.. A sinner. In the christian faith, what's written and whats perceived seem to differ wholly based on interpretation. The major argument now is "gay" vs "hetero". Do we still believe that one holds higher moral ground over another based on whom they sleep with? Goodness I would hope not; there are a lot of immoral sexing in Christian churches that eventually bring hierarchical pastors to their own humble knees. Thank God for scandals. But hey, not judging! To each sin their own. If we can be so rediculous with a God we can't see, why can't we accept sins that are visible? Perhaps understanding the fatalities of spiritual effectiveness would therefore entice our humility, our understanding, our fraternity of love for all. "Paging Jesus of Nazareth... Your message has been diluted. Please clarify and reiterate". Ameen.
Besides faith, Love is a stupid emotion. We dream it, fear it, expect it, and judge it. All in the while chasing that very same Love. So where is it? Is it home among family? Out with our vices? Somewhere among conversations? Speaking for myself, Love is where I am comfortable. I can therefore make myself very comfy among those honest enough to accept my minimal comfort. Is that Love? No its comfort, love needs to involve commitment, passion and promise.

Friendship encompasses all of those in a non romantic way. I have this best friend that polishes my brokenness into such pretty a shell that I sometimes fool myself. Ha! She's that great an individual....and I swear that I do not deserve her. Why I feel I don't deserve her is probably due to my awe of her unselfish attitude. She told me before she left that "If I have extra, you have extra" *cries*. I pulled away a little too fast mainly because I didn't want her to see the tears. I cried because she saw my dire needs through my vague words, I was mad. Mad that my facade was see-though. Mad that I couldn't hide it, and mad that I didn't give her back her money by reflex. I knew my needs but my pride did its best to hammer out the bumps of dependence.  However through it all, she remains! Glory! I haven't messed that up. Lawd be an electric fence of smartitude (I made that up) and responsibility. If there is at least one person who makes sense of the chaos, and straps into the ride with you?  Well, goes without saying that individual is more than special.

This blog has no directing

This write up had no direction, hope you enjoyed it.

namaste

Prose 2013

I see you and you talk to me, wondering what you see in me. Thinking do you known what has been said and done to conquer me? Wondering if my pain is seen or do smell vulnerability? But oh, all you asked me was " Do you know where so and so-- on so and so-- in so and so?" At this point my lip curls in "No", I hate how I'm supposed to know just where and when all the shows a-go. No.
My life, too busy with distractions, so clouded I need a mind extraction by someone or something who won't pass me while in traction.. Broken up, but woken up. How did I get so taken up? So many dreams of what to be but all I see is "given up". So I ask you what keeps you up? Undepraved of what is seen but Lord your grandma prayed you up!
So what is now? Do I begin? What other options do present? To lay in death of dreams benign or grow some wings so I can fly? Feel those aches of what becomes, my hopes, my dreams, my heart and lungs. If I have air to breath my breaths, then I'm stupid to think my best has left.

Namaste 

Wish

"If your story doesn't destroy me, I'm not interested." Patia Braithwaite
Powerful high school classmate of mine

I remember believing in miracles. Beliefs so strong that if I sat and wished for consecutive weekends, 80 degree weather, and a flatter stomach that it would happen overnight. Yes, yes, yes. Judge me not, because a part of me still has that childish enthusiasm of hoping for better things and fully expecting them to appear. I would wish for boyfriends, friends, money, cars, my dad, changed situations... But I think money was always #1. It sucks to know how dire a money situation is at a young age and seeing no way out of it except to wish upon a star. I would wish that my boiler wasn't broken, of that my mothers cars was dependable, that I had better cloths, better food, money to go on field trips with the rest of my friends, money for grade school (yes, I was well aware that my education was always in default, administration made it very clear to me in the hallways) and many other things that concern a child at that age. In short, I was left out. And what adolescent doesn't want to "fit in"? Well I was the one who didn't, and complaining to my parents about the strain of being so different while yearning for friendships was met with a stern statement "You don't need friends, you have me and your father".
*gives you time to reread that heap of nonesese *
My parents barely like each other but they supposed to my bffs? #GirlBye
So I guess dealing with them and their issues created more than a few within myself. When you grow up fearing and having no confidence in whom you depend on to provide your basic needs, wishes sound a lot easier than wondering "why are things in such disorder?".  At 8, 9, 10. I'd be lying if I felt as if I didn't deserve it; while everyone was giving their parents hell, I was home. All the time. I didn't know anything else because well...mom and dad where all I needed, right?! That sentence makes me nauseous. 
So there I was stoic and confused with very little of a support system, I'm not too good to say I absolutely needed that. I need support, I need reassuring, and I need comfort. And for those that may feel I'm weak, that's great. If men and women didn't need a social circle then the words "social circle" wouldn't exist. Dogs roll in packs and ain't nobody messing with them, but I digress.  I'm not sure if I can say I mastered the art of socialization but I still wish upon my little star that one day, I'll "get me". And maybe someone else will "get me" too.
I feel what has made my experience matter (to me) is my strong propensity to the idea of Karma. Do right and right will find you. When you need it the most, it'll be so subtle but the impact will knock you off your feet.  So when I am confessing my wishes to God essentially I'm expecting an answer while paying my dues where possible. How do I know someone else isn't wishing for me and what I offer?

Namaste

Desire

There's is just one way to describe you and that way is "desired" The distraction of you keeps me awake and puts me to sleep all within the same 24 hours..falling asleep like that makes me wish the night were longer. I remember you so vividly. I was there alone in my own world seeking you without ever looking. I didn't know what "you" looked like, not even in my dreams but when Eye saw you it was as if I already knew your position in my life. When dreamers speak of desire it's a dance of the 5 senses. We can taste desire, we can touch desire, we can see desire, we can feel desire (like a bee sting) and when the voice of the desired is heard nothing can stop us from listening. In this romantic dance of you and I, we create a beautiful us; "The Dreamer and her Desired".

Just a taste...

Oh the aches and pains...

Beautiful day marred by quite an annoying evening.  There is nothing more painful than being reminded every chance given that "You have made mistakes and will continue to make them". With that said I'm gonna cock my head to the side and give a "Really Bro?". Yes this exactly was my night.  Plenty arguments and me having to defend myself against someone who has shown how much they aren't in my corner over and over again.  The toll this took on me was ( ..read is) this mega frown that has now created a headache in all its frowningness.
The arrogance of anyone trying to limit you due to your past is sickening, however I feel like a fool for not reciprocating such malice. Am I fool? Am I THE fool? I sure feel like one today although I know the power and benefit of forgiveness.  Today however,  it ain't about that. I am just human, I hurt and feel hopelessness like any other man or woman. Man I dunno, I just need to make it through these classes. 

Namaste or whatever.

4am is a funny time.

No particular person on my mind but as always, the idea of one. One single, entity perfect for me, in mind spirit and body. As a fool in her foolish ways, I always "feel" before I think. This propensity led me to some duds but I can't help being a chemical person.

A "chemical person" to me (and according to me) is someone who bases all attractions on that inert feeling of lust and love. If the chemicals within me aren't reacting then -we- won't react...chemically or otherwise.

That chemical attraction is like the whistful pause of satisfaction after a painfully fatty meal; the gratification of getting exactly what you want; the sence of carnal gravitation without trying to create it. It makes you happy, joyful, sad, angry, and crazy....not all in that order or magnitude but after that roller coaster you know you want more.

So as I sit here in my lucid imagination I deeply imagine how much fun my chemical roller coaster would be and bravely take a front seat to the thrill.

Namaste.