Prose 2013

I see you and you talk to me, wondering what you see in me. Thinking do you known what has been said and done to conquer me? Wondering if my pain is seen or do smell vulnerability? But oh, all you asked me was " Do you know where so and so-- on so and so-- in so and so?" At this point my lip curls in "No", I hate how I'm supposed to know just where and when all the shows a-go. No.
My life, too busy with distractions, so clouded I need a mind extraction by someone or something who won't pass me while in traction.. Broken up, but woken up. How did I get so taken up? So many dreams of what to be but all I see is "given up". So I ask you what keeps you up? Undepraved of what is seen but Lord your grandma prayed you up!
So what is now? Do I begin? What other options do present? To lay in death of dreams benign or grow some wings so I can fly? Feel those aches of what becomes, my hopes, my dreams, my heart and lungs. If I have air to breath my breaths, then I'm stupid to think my best has left.

Namaste 

Wish

"If your story doesn't destroy me, I'm not interested." Patia Braithwaite
Powerful high school classmate of mine

I remember believing in miracles. Beliefs so strong that if I sat and wished for consecutive weekends, 80 degree weather, and a flatter stomach that it would happen overnight. Yes, yes, yes. Judge me not, because a part of me still has that childish enthusiasm of hoping for better things and fully expecting them to appear. I would wish for boyfriends, friends, money, cars, my dad, changed situations... But I think money was always #1. It sucks to know how dire a money situation is at a young age and seeing no way out of it except to wish upon a star. I would wish that my boiler wasn't broken, of that my mothers cars was dependable, that I had better cloths, better food, money to go on field trips with the rest of my friends, money for grade school (yes, I was well aware that my education was always in default, administration made it very clear to me in the hallways) and many other things that concern a child at that age. In short, I was left out. And what adolescent doesn't want to "fit in"? Well I was the one who didn't, and complaining to my parents about the strain of being so different while yearning for friendships was met with a stern statement "You don't need friends, you have me and your father".
*gives you time to reread that heap of nonesese *
My parents barely like each other but they supposed to my bffs? #GirlBye
So I guess dealing with them and their issues created more than a few within myself. When you grow up fearing and having no confidence in whom you depend on to provide your basic needs, wishes sound a lot easier than wondering "why are things in such disorder?".  At 8, 9, 10. I'd be lying if I felt as if I didn't deserve it; while everyone was giving their parents hell, I was home. All the time. I didn't know anything else because well...mom and dad where all I needed, right?! That sentence makes me nauseous. 
So there I was stoic and confused with very little of a support system, I'm not too good to say I absolutely needed that. I need support, I need reassuring, and I need comfort. And for those that may feel I'm weak, that's great. If men and women didn't need a social circle then the words "social circle" wouldn't exist. Dogs roll in packs and ain't nobody messing with them, but I digress.  I'm not sure if I can say I mastered the art of socialization but I still wish upon my little star that one day, I'll "get me". And maybe someone else will "get me" too.
I feel what has made my experience matter (to me) is my strong propensity to the idea of Karma. Do right and right will find you. When you need it the most, it'll be so subtle but the impact will knock you off your feet.  So when I am confessing my wishes to God essentially I'm expecting an answer while paying my dues where possible. How do I know someone else isn't wishing for me and what I offer?

Namaste

Desire

There's is just one way to describe you and that way is "desired" The distraction of you keeps me awake and puts me to sleep all within the same 24 hours..falling asleep like that makes me wish the night were longer. I remember you so vividly. I was there alone in my own world seeking you without ever looking. I didn't know what "you" looked like, not even in my dreams but when Eye saw you it was as if I already knew your position in my life. When dreamers speak of desire it's a dance of the 5 senses. We can taste desire, we can touch desire, we can see desire, we can feel desire (like a bee sting) and when the voice of the desired is heard nothing can stop us from listening. In this romantic dance of you and I, we create a beautiful us; "The Dreamer and her Desired".

Just a taste...